Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
Our son has struggled with mental illness his entire life and had several bad episodes while married to “Sue.” Sue left when she was six months pregnant and came to live with us. We loved her like a daughter and adored our grandson. Sue divorced our son and after being hospitalized, he disappeared. We have no idea if he is alive or dead.
Our grandson is five now. He and his mother moved out last year into a neighboring town. We pick him up after school and watch him every weekend, as Sue often takes as much overtime as she can. My husband and I knew that eventually Sue would move on and start dating again. We didn’t expect it to be someone like “Jack.”
Jack puts on a good show of being friendly, but it is obvious to us that he resents our closeness to Sue.
He has made comments about us being obsessed and spoiling our grandson for doing things like buying him stickers and small toys when we go to the grocery store. He made multiple comments to multiple people about us not wanting Sue to move on, us seeing our grandson as a “do over” because our son’s illness was our fault, and how it would be so much better for Sue if we just let go and knew our place.
Jack denies everything but this has come from friends, family, and even Sue’s next-door neighbor. And Jack isn’t even a good father. He has two other children from two other women. One he doesn’t even see and the other he only sees twice a month. Jack blames their mothers for “poisoning” them against him.
The problem is Sue is completely bonkers about Jack. She makes excuses for him and says he is just sarcastic and joking the few times we brought up our concerns. We have been tiptoeing around the situation but we are afraid that the other shoe will drop and we will lose access to our grandson. We have other children but they live far away and aren’t interested in having children. Our grandson is completely our world. What do we do here?
—Grandma in Georgia
Dear Grandma,
Fake it. Pretend you haven’t heard the insulting comments. Pretend you like Jack. Pretend you believe he wants only the best for Sue and your grandson. People with fragile egos need a lot of reassurance, and if Jack starts to believe you think highly of him, that might take his ridiculous insecurity down a notch and turn him into a more pleasant person. But most importantly, it will ensure that you don’t give Sue a reason to alienate you or feel that she has to choose between you and the jerk she (currently) loves.
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Dear Prudence,
My dirtbag ex cheated on me, lied about it, gaslit me for years, stole from me, and made my life hell through our divorce. I moved on with my life, but have never forgiven him for it. Over the holidays, I learned that my amazing sister-in-law is divorcing my brother because, among other things, he slept with numerous other women over several years and lied about it repeatedly. He’s admitted to that but is still trying to limit his financial losses from the divorce and to retain joint custody of their kids.
I know it’s none of my business, but I’m furious, just so, so angry with him. When I found out, I unloaded on my brother and called him every name under the sun. With the benefit of a few weeks to cool down, I wouldn’t retract one of them and I have many more I would like to say. I want to slap him so hard. I love my brother, but I never want to speak to him again. I’m talking to a therapist, but I don’t have a script for telling the rest of my family that for the foreseeable future I do not feel comfortable hanging around the scumbag. Am I wrong here? My mother insists that I am being melodramatic and selfish.
—Am I The Main Character in My Own Drama
Dear Main Character,
If you’re too mad to speak to your brother, you’re too mad to speak to him. But a group text to the family about your desire to slap the “scumbag” won’t help you or your former sister-in-law and isn’t necessary. I’m not even sure you need to inform everyone that he’s out of your life forever. You can take it day by day and family gathering by family gathering. When plans for the next big event are being made, that’s when you tell the host, “I’m still too upset at Bryan to be around him so I am going to stay home this time.” I know that probably feels unsatisfying because what you really want to do is to rant and rave about how awful he is. And I get it! But a better choice would be free writing on this topic to helps you release your anger about your own experience with infidelity, and explore how your brother’s actions have resurfaced it. Whatever you come up with would be great fodder for you and your therapist to discuss.
Dear Prudence,
My older brother committed suicide when I was 11 (he was 17 at the time). I am 23 now, but one thing that I have always wrestled with is what to say when people ask me if I have any siblings. Most of the time I lie and say I’m an only child because I don’t want to have to relive the memories, explain, and deal with the inevitable—albeit well-meaning—sympathetic reaction. Can you offer some sort of script that doesn’t erase his existence while not forcing me into an uncomfortable explanation each time?
—I Am Not an Only Child
Dear Only Child,
I’m so sorry to hear this, and I think it’s totally fine if you want to tell people you don’t know well that you are an only child. This doesn’t erase your brother’s existence—it lets you exist (and participate in small talk) in peace. If you get to the point in a conversation when you are talking about specific childhood memories or tragic life events, that would be an appropriate time to share.
But if you really feel the right thing to do is to let people know about your brother in the moment, try something like “I don’t have any living siblings,” or “I tragically lost my older brother and it’s always hard to talk about when this question comes up, but I don’t want to erase him.”
Catch up on this week’s Prudie.
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