Each week, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on the letters she’s received. Her reply will be available every Friday only for Slate Plus members.
Hey Prudence,
Re New Goddess: While I appreciate Prudie asking New Goddess to consider the possibility that those in her life might be a little right or might be stuck in the mode of trying to protect her, I feel like this letter and the last one have a point in common.
Some people just want other people to be miserable, even if they are their friends or family, especially if that’s how they are used to relating to them.
Much like there is no reason for this woman to tell her friend negative things about her already ex except to stir the pot, your friends are used to relating to a miserable, abused you, and probably feel like it’s difficult to relate to a confident and comfortable you, so instead they insist something must be wrong.
—Bass
I mean, maybe! They also may really be concerned, and the fact that the letter-writer’s last relationship was terrible makes me think this is a real possibility.
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Hey Prudence,
Re New Goddess: I studied Karate for four years in my late-20s. It made me really strong, and really, really bruised. I studied at a feminist dojo, and people constantly had doctors ask them if they were being abused. It goes with the territory. Much later in my 40s and 50s, I studied aerial acro and was totally bruised and rope burned, and the same questions came up. There is absolutely nothing better than feeling strong and confident. Congratulations on being strong and confident. Your loved ones have noticed, and they’re discombobulated. They’ll accept the new confident you.
—Trapezecoder
Once during my ill-advised stint with CrossFit, I had to roll a giant tire across a parking lot a bunch of times, and, probably because I always had bad form, I pushed it with my chest and ended up totally bruised. Nobody asked about abuse, but I said, “Never again!” Interesting to hear that so many activities lead to visible injuries. But I’m also hopeful that the letter writer’s loved ones will get used to the stronger and happier version of her and stop being so suspicious.
Hey Prudence,
Re Paranoid Mother-in-Law: It doesn’t sound to me like quite enough to just supply quips and placating answers to MIL’s paranoid pronouncements. I feel that LW needs to lean on her husband more about the real need to get his mother to a dementia doctor. If he continues to ignore the issue, then whisk her off to one herself. There’s risk in allowing MIL to go on with her delusions. At what point could she try to act on them in a way that could be dangerous to herself and others? Why wait for something like that to even possibly happen? Some real risk management is needed here.
—Not Quite Enough
I agree that a screening and potential treatment would be great, but I don’t think the letter writer’s failure to “whisk her off” is standing between the MIL and a complete return to mental clarity. I’m not a doctor, and none of us can offer a diagnosis, but my understanding is that medication for a disease like dementia is used to help improve symptoms, not reverse it entirely.
I also don’t think taking her without her husband’s consent would be great for the long-term well-being of the family. That said, she could definitely tell her husband, “I know you don’t think this is a big deal. But I’d like to take her to the doctor. Is that OK?”
Hey Prudence,
Re Paranoid Mother-in-Law: I’ve got some scripts for you:
“Bob, your mom thinks the food in the garage fridge is poisoned. Here, you chat with her about that.”
“Bob, your mom thinks the stains on the garage floor are because people are sneaking in and drawing them. Here, you chat with her about that.”
“Bob, your mom thinks Tinker Bell is coming in at night and changing the clocks. Here, you chat with her about that.”
Do this every damn time she says something. “Really? Let’s go talk to Bob about that.” Do what you can to get her evaluated, but in the meantime, this is a “Bob” issue. and might help relieve some of your stress.
—Fundog
Great idea.
Hey Prudence,
Re Why: Look, if hubs now has the opportunity to write his own job description, this is some serious power in his hands. Sometimes you have to manage upwards, because there’s too much chaos above you. Basically, this allows him to dictate terms.
About 10 years ago, I was working at a restaurant. I had foolishly made myself available to work lunches (or maybe it was a requirement; I forget). The place was across town, and I generally hated working lunches. One general manager was forced out, and in the process, somebody lost the availability list, and it was being redrafted. You can damn sure bet I took advantage of the situation and made myself newly unavailable for lunches. I used the system’s flaws to my benefit. Hubs can do much more than I did. He can make his work life vastly easier if he avails himself of this newfound power.
—Ti-ger-cat Resurgent
I agree. It sounds like he’s very competent and can take advantage of that despite the fact that the workplace as a whole is a mess.
Hey Prudence,
Re Not Sure: So this money thing sounds like it’s the first big relationship issue you guys have hit. Being able to handle big relationship issues is what makes a life partnership work. Is this person someone you might want for a life partner? Then you should talk to her about it. Lay it out on the table, tell her how you feel and what you think, and ask her how she feels and what she thinks, and make sure you listen while she’s talking.
It seems to me there may be a lot of possibilities here: She may not know your financial status, she may feel like you want to pay as the man and thus hasn’t said anything, she may feel like you should still pay even though she’s got more money, she may be selfish and using you. But the only way to find out is to talk and listen. You may find she was unsure about how to broach this and wanted to talk about it.
—GG1000
Absolutely. The conversation will lead to clarity about what the letter writer can afford, but the way the conversation feels will lead to clarity about the health of the relationship.
Classic Prudie
My niece, “Sabrina,” is in college and close to graduation. She is going to be entering the workforce and has asked me for a recommendation at my place of work. My niece is a bright, hard worker but has a few horrible verbal tics she has picked up from her peers.