Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
My sister is three years younger than I am, and we never really got along. We’re both in our 40s now, and I haven’t spoken to her in three years. It was my decision to suspend our relationship. She has always been irresponsible and has stressed our parents out her entire life basically.
She is always in some new situation where she needs them to bail her out—in with the wrong crowd, she’s had multiple DUIs, totaled multiple cars that they bought for her of course, has started and dropped out of several different trade schools, just a mess. The last straw for me was when she told my parents she wanted to be a single mom and asked them to help her with the sperm donor costs. They already pay her rent and pay for basically the rest of her life. It’s infuriating.
Anyway my life is better since I stopped talking to her, and my visits with my parents go better for me since she’s not there. My parents have accepted my decision and have stopped trying to get me to reconsider, which I appreciate. But they have been “worrying aloud” recently about what will happen when one and then both of them die and we have to deal with their estate or make medical decisions. My answer to that is that it will obviously be me having to make those decisions, she’s totally unreliable. I’m already the executor of their estate in the will, but they think that maybe they might need to change it if we still aren’t speaking (which we won’t be). But they just think it’ll be a big problem when they die. Will it be?
—Happily Estranged Sister
Dear Happily Estranged Sister,
Many parents worry when their children don’t get along, so your parents’ concern is valid, but the situation is more manageable than they fear—and it won’t fully come to a head until the last parent passes away. That’s when the estate gets settled and the real dynamics play out.
As executor, your job is to carry out the instructions in the will—not to negotiate with your sister or get her approval. If the estate is clearly documented and the will is specific, you can do your job without much direct interaction. Estates get settled between estranged family members all the time. It’s uncomfortable, not impossible, and most communication can go through attorneys rather than directly between the two of you.
Your parents should also make sure their will includes what’s called an in terrorem clause—sometimes called a no-contest clause—which states that anyone who challenges the will forfeits whatever they were supposed to inherit. It’s a standard and powerful deterrent against exactly the kind of trouble your sister might cause.
The trickier issue for your parents is medical decision-making. If they want you to handle health care decisions, they need to formalize that now with a health care proxy or durable power of attorney. If those documents name you, your sister has no legal standing to override you regardless of her feelings. If they want both of you to make decisions, that could be a recipe for disaster.
Consider also that your parents’ “worrying aloud” may actually be what therapists call “displacement.” What they’re really dreading, I suspect, is telling your sister what they’ve decided—that you’re in charge of everything. As difficult as it will be, they should have that conversation with her now, while they can. Surprises at the time of death have a way of making everything worse. And after a lifetime of being supported by them, the loss of that support system may change your sister in ways none of you can fully predict.
—Ilyce
Classic Prudie
A college friend has long been an “uncle” to our two children. He has been there for school events, milestones, vacations, etc. Our daughter went away to college this year, to a town about 45 minutes from this friend’s house. He volunteered to look out for her, take her off campus for movies, send her mail, and drive her to and from our house for various events. The other day, our almost-50-year-old friend admitted that, for the past five months, he has been “falling in love” with our barely 19-year-old daughter.