How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
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Dear How to Do It,
My husband (we’re both men) is pitching a fit over something ridiculous. I work long hours as an emergency room doctor, and as expected, there are times when I come home beyond exhausted, but my husband is horny.
So I got him one of those anal Fleshlights to use when I’m out of commission. Instead of being appreciative, he became angry and accused me of no longer finding him attractive. That’s not the case at all; I’m just trying to offer him an outlet for when I don’t feel like doing anything. Isn’t he being incredibly immature?
—It’s Better Than Nothing
Dear It’s Better Than Nothing,
You’re both being immature. Your husband has jumped to a conclusion and is making accusations instead of sharing the reasons he is hurt or frustrated by the situation and your solution to it. You’re making accusations right back at him rather than apologizing for the impact your anal Fleshlight gift had and trying to understand the reason for his response.
I’m guessing that you’re physically and emotionally exhausted, and that the same factors leaving you too tired to have sex are leaving you too tired to bear the bulk of the emotional labor needed here. That absolutely sucks, and it’s a part of the way the U.S. medical system works that you’re not going to be able to change any time soon. Prioritize finding a time where you have some mental and emotional energy to spare, and, in the kindest manner possible, ask your husband to help you understand what’s going on.
Additionally, once tempers have cooled and relations have normalized, look for an opportunity to start helping your husband understand what your work takes from you. There are so many jobs that have significant demands that aren’t obvious to outsiders, and others that are shown so often in entertainment media that we lose our ability to separate the dramatized fantasy shown on TV from the actual toll on the humans in our lives. Being an ER doctor strikes me as situated at the overlap of these groups. You’ll want to make sure to address the physical effects of your work, the emotional effects, and the interplay between body and mind. You’ll also need to really thread the needle between speaking in terms that are legible and relatively easy to understand, and avoiding language or mannerisms that are likely to make your partner feel patronized. You might need to do some introspection first to fully grasp the ways that your work impacts you. If you have any colleagues with whom you’re friendly enough, reaching out to peers for their insight on how the work affects them is wise.
All of that said, if the speed with which you jumped to labeling your husband’s behavior immature has less to do with this one issue and more of a pervasive pattern, I’m certainly not going to judge you for giving him an ultimatum that he needs to put in the work to understand your exhaustion himself, or you’ll start packing.
—Jessica
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My husband and I were involved in our local group sex scene before having kids, and remain close friends with one of the couples we met there, Daniel and Amanda, even though we rarely play anymore. Years ago, Amanda was diagnosed with early onset dementia and she worried a lot about her husband’s life outside of his caretaker role. They discussed it at length and put an agreement in writing. She wanted Daniel to have opportunities to have sex with others and potentially form romantic relationships when she became very ill. She’s now in a great nursing home, but it’s still really hard and sad for her family.